Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
