You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
