Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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