whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
