I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
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