Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
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i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
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today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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