well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
