Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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