It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
