my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
no, he came in my armpit
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
