I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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