I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
