Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
