just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
