And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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