Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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