Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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