i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Hippo gnu deer
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
