Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
