quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
