I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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