When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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