Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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