I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
