ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
