Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
