Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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