Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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