You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
