if i can run in heels then i can drive
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
