My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
