Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
