More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Sponge bath it is.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
