my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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