You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
