There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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