Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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