I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
