My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Randomize
