4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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