I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
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You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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