I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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