If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
