so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
