apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
