im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
