I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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