The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
