How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
