Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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