it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
