I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
