Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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