separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
